Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The "What ifs" and "Will its"

I find myself constantly contemplating a lot lately. And will shamefully admit... comparing myself to others. I do not like that I do this. I do not condone anyone do it. However I can admit as humans, it happens.

In general I try not to dwell on how things could have turned out. I believe things happen for a reason. But lately I've been in this... "Mood" for lack of a better word... in which I tend to think "well if this situation would have turned out this way... then maybe this."  But in all honesty, I don't know why I do it. I mean seriously it didn't happen because it didn't.. Move on. Yet I don't see how I can just move on.(I've been a little thick headed lately... can't even take my own advice).

Ocean Beach, San Diego, CA
My Happy Place

I've always been the kind to give advice without a second thought.  The kind who will listen to others problems and if I have something to say, then I'll just say it.  I like to think of my advice as golden.  As something that can shed some light on someone and that will make their life easy because it was just an easy solution for me to find.  And this may stem from the fact that a majority of the times, my solutions have or would have worked (if the advice was taken).  But I find myself in similar situations and taking that advise myself seems hard to do.  I struggle with knowing what I want to do and what I should be doing.  I'm emotionally driven, and though I may have a stable head on my shoulders, emotions can run wild.  This part of me makes life so much more difficult when it comes to dealing with my "what if moments".

It doesn't help that I have a really hard time trusting people enough to truly open up.  I talk about a lot of personal things on here, personal thoughts, and touch on some emotions/feelings a may have towards certain situations.  But in person, even getting this much out of me takes a lot of trust from my part.  I don't unwind the pent up feelings the way I should, because there are somethings I feel I shouldn't share.  Fear of judgement, fear of rejection, I don't really know what it is.  But sometimes being inside your head so much can effect you.

Dwelling on the past lately at a time where I feel a stand still in my life, yet feel like life itself, time, are slipping away from me with no actual evolution to the quality of my life.  Though I know I have so many things to be thankful for that have recently happened and things from my past and pressent that I am very thankful for, I compare the life of others to mine.  I said it earlier that this is not something I like to do.  I do believe in the path of our lives being laid out and therefore should not compare ours to others because they are different.  However, this moment in my life has me questioning my path.  Do I want to stay where I am now? Should I have decided to do this or that?  Should I find something else, someone else to occupy my time?  Will my decision lead to the right outcome? Will I be able to do what I want in my life?  Am I actually doing what I truly want? Am I who I want to be?

It isn't fair to myself to add so much pressure.  Life always has a way of figuring itself out without much effort in my part.  However, I feel an urgency.  An urgency that has me unsettled.  I question my career path, my education, the people I've let into and out of my life.  I think back on past relationships, friendships, those I did not let reach even that far.  I wonder if my attitude, personality, lack of being sociable has effected the point in which my life has gotten to.  I question weather the decisions I made and was so sure of are now really what I wanted in hindsight.  And all this in itself makes me question my belief of a God written path!  My goodness what have I allowed my mind to venture into?

When you feel this stillness in the progress of your life, yet feel the progress of time, it's quite confusing.  Situations that make you realize life is short, you never know what will come of it, those are the situations that bring you down and you must bring yourself up from.  I don't think I will ever be able to figure out the "what ifs" and that "will its" as life is truly a journey we all must live to figure out how it will end up.  But a scary thought life is.

So why do I write this... well because I know I'm not alone in this.  I've seen and heard of many struggles and even some positive changes in the lives among those who I know and love or have loved.  I will admit we have mostly been fortunate to not have extreme circumstances.  However, there have been an instance or two that can be considered so.  The instances that whether they are happening to you directly or someone you may know make you question so much about your own life.

I give you this scripture, one that I only read the first line and had instantly felt the need to read more of it.  I had never read it before, but in that moment I knew it was something that would help me through anything.

Ephisians 6: 13-17
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

This may not mean much to many, but in a moment of uncertainty it meant something to me.  It speaks of being torn between God's way and the way of other things, in this case of evil influences of the devil, but in our lives, anything can be considered an evil influence.  The bad, evil, dark, and wicked can come in many forms.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, physical ailments, words, stresses, you name it, if it effects you in a negative way then it falls into this description.  Prayer is a strong and powerful tool.  And can be done from anywhere, during any kind of activity at any time.  You're are on a jog and get too much in your head, say a prayer.  You are in bed and ready to sleep but something is on your mind, say a prayer.  You just received the best news in your life, say a prayer.  And if you have gone through the worst situation and believe there is no out, say a prayer.  Trust in His plan, trust in His help.  Walk through your journey with Him.


1 comment:

  1. Love your blog, prieta--very deep. Know that you can always count on me.